Day 10

So at the end of day 10, being back at work was not quite as successful as being at home was -- however, I only ate half of my lean and green at home, so when I had a sushi roll and skipped my last medifast meal of the day, I kind of feel like it evened out? Not sure if that's the right mentality -- but hopefully the scale will reflect it okay. I think tomorrow morning I'm just going to go to weights -- no cardio or I think I'll be dead by the end of the day. Nothing too crazy but enough to keep my muscle tone up. 

this morning was a little rough, but I tried to just drink water and then I took a nap and it worked out pretty well. One more day toward my goal!

Day 9

Today was another pretty good day -- kept busy and out of the house and it went well! I did a work out class this morning and then every time I was at home and wanted to eat something, I drank some crystal light lemonade or water -- and it went well! If I can just keep this up while at work, I know I can be successful and reach my goals. Stay strong and remember why I started this! (and how good it feels to have a killer bod.) -- the last picture there... I can get there!

Day 8

​So I was so off the wagon that yesterday I didn't even write -- which is against what I said I was going to do. Let's just say I fell off but today I did 100% better and actually had my first 100% on program day -- and it wasn't nearly as difficult as I had made it out to be. It also makes it much easier now that most of the tempting food is out of the house and I wasn't at work surrounded by temptations all day. Hopefully having these two days off to really focus again on what I am doing will get me back on track and able to resist the temptations that surround me at work each day. I worked out this morning and am going to work out again tomorrow morning which always feels good. I think I'm liking the 3 times a week classes -- and I actually wrote out 5 different work outs that I can do today as well so I really shouldn't have to even think about what I'm going to do when I go to the gym, I did all the thinking today :) 

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I'm just feeling very optimistic about my day, and know that I can continue to do this for a solid two weeks. What are two weeks out of the year? less than 4% of the year -- you can do anything for two weeks. Let's see how much progress I can make in 2 weeks. ​

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And maybe I'll actually get on board to do the half marathon -- found out it might be a good networking strategy for work. But I think part of the reason I didn't do as well on program was because I was so low energy when I was on program and I was still working out hard -- so this week maybe I focus on really being on program with my diet and do much less cardio / more weight training / walking, no high intensity. So maybe I lay off the work out classes for a week and see how it goes? ... have to think about that. Maybe I just don't do the crazy balls to the walls work outs -- tone it down a little bit. ​

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Well that's all I have for tonight. Keep going, and here's to another good day. ​

Day 6

So yesterday I tried a different approach -- I saved my lean and green meal for later when I was at work -- I think it worked a little better. But as I said I vowed to be honest in this so there was a freakin tub of red vines hanging out in my office most of the day, I probably had 8, I didn't even count. Ugh. But other than that I had a pretty good day -- but after almost a week of writing these entries, it seems that each day I "cheat" on something, I have yet to have a day of full program success, and I think if I could just do that for a week I would probably seem some pretty good results. ​

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Last night I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep and I kept going over what I was going to do to reach my goal weight. I think that the working out is essential and honestly I have a pretty good routine down for that, probably need to put some more running into the mix for the 8 mile run I'm going to do on June 1, but other than that I work out with regular consistency and as long as I keep going I should have some pretty decent muscle tone. ​ As far as diet goes, I was thinking about the juicing thing -- I think part of it is eating clean, / vegan for two weeks and maybe I do a fruit / spinach smoothie in the morning to get a little "roughage" in and then finish out the day with all juice, and maybe a salad at the end of the day if necessary. I can have as much juice as a I want and if I do that for two weeks, get off caffeine I would be interested to see how my body felt. I like the idea of a cleanse, it makes me feel like I get to start over and get all the toxins out of my body. I know that juicing is going to be pretty expensive so I have to make sure I don't waste it and be smart about it. Costco is probably a good idea for the amount of veggies and fruit I'd be going through. So, I'm thinking maybe last two weeks of May I'll juice? ... haven't decided yet. I'll see what the finance situation looks like, because as it stands right now the medifast thing is definitely saving me money since I already have all the food and I can eat my lean and green at work... 

​But hey, my cute orange pants fit today :)

​Have to be happy with the little things along the way, otherwise the ultimate goal will seem so far away. 

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Day 5

So my team had an ice cream party to celebrate their scores -- I partook. and then to make up for it didn't eat anything for the rest of the night until I got home where I finished a bag of pistachios and had a piece of cheese. Hence, I gained weight today. One of my servers told me not to feel guilty -- that we worked hard for our scores and to just enjoy it. That's kind of what I tried to do but when you're so centered around losing weight it's hard not to feel guilty when you have a major cheat like that. And I feel like I'm just stuck around these weight numbers, but I know what I'm doing not to get there, so I know logically I can't be upset about the results to the work I haven't done. I am just so impatient right now it really blows. I know I just need to keep at it and that Rome wasn't built in a day etc. etc. but ugh, hopefully this will get easier. It's weird though I've been thinking about trying other things, but I still have medifast food left so I feel like I should finish that stuff up. (and it's saving me money right now) but I feel like all the food is just full of chemicals, so I'm thinking about doing a two week juice cleanse when I run out of my medifast food. or June 1 -- whichever comes first. ​

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Off to my workout class for the day -- also need to keep training for that run -- it would be really cool to be able to do the 8 mile run, but part of me feels like I should settle for the 5k, but just typing that feels like a cop-out. Don't settle, be great! Reach for the stars! Have another goal besides weight loss! -- let's do this incredible run, how many times will I get to do a run up the Kauai coast? ... probably never again so let's live it up, live life to the fullest and reach some goals! ​

​So let's define the goals:

1. Run the 8mile run June 1

2. Weigh 148 by June 1

3. Weigh 143 by June 15

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Now that I've written down the goals, I can't back out of them... I should probably sign up for the 8 mile run -- pay my money and everything so I can't back out. ​

​And, I think it's important to plan my victory rewards -- so when I reach my goals I can celebrate them. so, for my 8 mile run -- a pair of new running shoes and shorts I believe would be appropriate :) and I'll have to ponder on the other two... 

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Day 4

Yesterday I did pretty good -- until the chef put out  a home made nacho bar at 10PM ugh. I don't think I'm capable of having just one -- if something is really good, I don't think I can say "no" after having one. Which I think is somewhat the problem. Being in the restaurant industry, I have to try the food, but one bite is typically enough to get the idea of what it tastes like, but I can't stop after that one bite if it's really good. I think that will be the goal today. Small focuses will hopefully help me change for the big picture. ​

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I did lose weight today so that is encouraging but I know that I need to stay on program better than I did yesterday if I want to keep going in the right direction. ​ Went for a run yesterday too -- felt good but it's so hot out I need to find a way to keep the sweat out of my eyes when I run outside -- that or get my butt up earlier and go before it gets too hot. But then I have the rest of the morning to sit around and do stupid things and to think about eating things I shouldn't, so I've been trying to sleep as much as possible and then get myself out of the house and doing things to stay busy. 

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So, goal today is to stay on program, and if I need to try something for the restaurant or have a temptation, one bite and only one bite is okay. 80/20 rule. ​

Day 3

It's strange that when temptation is removed and I'm in a controlled area (i.e. my house) I can be much stronger and more successful about what I eat. However, being in my industry food is an essential part of success and what I do every day. It's important that I know what things taste like and am aware of how wines pair etc. with everything. What I need to be okay with is one bite of something to get the flavor or being okay with not trying the soup of the day or the gelato of the day -- it's hard though when it's set right in front of you. However, I did do better yesterday, I just did a bite of each of the specials. Granted at the end of the night I did have about half a cup of polenta and some mango -- both not on program. It's like I was so close to having a perfect day, but when the day was coming to a close I didn't follow through. It's like my will power was dead at the end of the night -- so I need to figure that one out. ​

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Maybe this is a bad mind set to have but I was kind of thinking about the 80/20 rule -- no one is perfect and my job does demand to some extent that I try the food -- so if I'm good 80% of the time and less good 20% and really focus on whether or not it is important that I try a certain dish, not necessarily whether I want to try it, maybe that will be more successful. ​

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A couple more things that I'm looking forward to when I lose the weight

- the gap between your legs

- being able to wear a sports bra only in my work out classes

- asking to be in the front row for my work out classes

- not having to shimmy up the pants

- feeling comfortable in less makeup (it's melting off any way)​

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So bottom line -- yesterday I worked out, stayed 80% on program and lost a little weight. Feels good. ​

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Time to do it again today! ​

Day 2

Maybe it's my generation or just my experience with other diets that I expect to see results and my hard work on the scale the next day. Yesterday I ate really well, the only cheat was an oreo / cheesecake cupcake (which was maybe 200 calories) -- and everything else was right on point. I'm really not sure why I would have gained weight from yesterday to today -- only hoping that maybe I'll see the results tomorrow. I didn't work out yesterday due to my foot but am going to a class this morning -- and then I have to stay on program today 100%. Ugh this sucks. Trying to keep my motivation and stay strong. If I can keep strong for a month, just one month I'm sure I'll see results. ​

So it Begins

I am so tired of not "staying on the wagon" and starting over. I'm not sure if it's self sabotage or not believing in myself or what exactly causes me to derail each time I start something to get healthy again. It seems like I have to have a new program to keep me motivated and to get me results. Why does having something so structured work for me? Am I not capable of moderation or consistency? I know so much about fitness and nutrition yet I continue to do nothing about it on a consistent basis. I feel so much better about myself when I am skinny and fit, it really makes a huge difference. I feel so depressed when I'm heavy and out of shape, it makes me just want to say F*** it and eat the stuff that got me there in the first place. I've read all the statistics about recording what you eat and what you do and how that is supposed to help. And like all things I tend to try it for a little bit but then due to me not being successful I don't want to record it -- like that really makes a difference. Your body doesn't lie, even if you can't say what you did out loud, it counts the calories and shows what you have done no matter what you say you do or try to avoid. It's the mirror you can't avoid. so this is a promise to be 100% honest here and no judgement, if I fall off the wagon (again) I still need to write it down here. Being able to look at this and read it knowing that putting it in to words makes it feel more "real" will hopefully be what I need to move on. I really do like being healthy and I love to work out -- too bad that's not all it takes. Food has been my struggle and I MUST get a grip on it before I lose control and be a yo yo dieter forever. ​

​Now what I'm going to say next is going to be somewhat contradictory because I know that yo-yo diets are not successful in the long run, but my reasoning behind this Medifast diet is that I already have a bunch of it left over and have a friend that is sending me all the left over food that they didn't use so it's more economical -- might as well get my money's worth and not waste it is the idea I'm going for. That and hopefully it will give me a good head start and then when I do go back to "clean eating" it won't seem like I'm so deprived, it will be wonderful to be able to eat an apple or have a fruit smoothie. That's the goal at least. 

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Now why do I want this now? I think motivation is an important factor in being committed to anything. I am hoping to be able to go and open a new property -- and I won't be wearing my uniform and I'll be back in my own clothes -- and sweats aren't going to cut it. I want to be able to wear my skinny jeans and shorts without a second thought. I know that attractive people are more successful and I know that my confidence and level of comfort in new situations greatly increases when I feel good about myself and I need to be confident and at my best to impress everyone. Also, I want to do this for N. N has always been there for me, rooting me on and N deserves to see me happy and have me at my best. That and I bought new clothes before i put this weight back on and I can't really afford to go out and buy fat clothes now. Nor do I want to have fat clothes. ​

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So -- motivation boiled down: 1. confidence 2. success at job 3. health 4. clothes

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So, I need to continue working out to build the muscle, but to reveal the muscle I MUST do it in the kitchen. ​

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Let the honesty begin. ​

​Today is a new day, I can do this. I will do this. 

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