I am so tired of not "staying on the wagon" and starting over. I'm not sure if it's self sabotage or not believing in myself or what exactly causes me to derail each time I start something to get healthy again. It seems like I have to have a new program to keep me motivated and to get me results. Why does having something so structured work for me? Am I not capable of moderation or consistency? I know so much about fitness and nutrition yet I continue to do nothing about it on a consistent basis. I feel so much better about myself when I am skinny and fit, it really makes a huge difference. I feel so depressed when I'm heavy and out of shape, it makes me just want to say F*** it and eat the stuff that got me there in the first place. I've read all the statistics about recording what you eat and what you do and how that is supposed to help. And like all things I tend to try it for a little bit but then due to me not being successful I don't want to record it -- like that really makes a difference. Your body doesn't lie, even if you can't say what you did out loud, it counts the calories and shows what you have done no matter what you say you do or try to avoid. It's the mirror you can't avoid. so this is a promise to be 100% honest here and no judgement, if I fall off the wagon (again) I still need to write it down here. Being able to look at this and read it knowing that putting it in to words makes it feel more "real" will hopefully be what I need to move on. I really do like being healthy and I love to work out -- too bad that's not all it takes. Food has been my struggle and I MUST get a grip on it before I lose control and be a yo yo dieter forever.
Now what I'm going to say next is going to be somewhat contradictory because I know that yo-yo diets are not successful in the long run, but my reasoning behind this Medifast diet is that I already have a bunch of it left over and have a friend that is sending me all the left over food that they didn't use so it's more economical -- might as well get my money's worth and not waste it is the idea I'm going for. That and hopefully it will give me a good head start and then when I do go back to "clean eating" it won't seem like I'm so deprived, it will be wonderful to be able to eat an apple or have a fruit smoothie. That's the goal at least.
Now why do I want this now? I think motivation is an important factor in being committed to anything. I am hoping to be able to go and open a new property -- and I won't be wearing my uniform and I'll be back in my own clothes -- and sweats aren't going to cut it. I want to be able to wear my skinny jeans and shorts without a second thought. I know that attractive people are more successful and I know that my confidence and level of comfort in new situations greatly increases when I feel good about myself and I need to be confident and at my best to impress everyone. Also, I want to do this for N. N has always been there for me, rooting me on and N deserves to see me happy and have me at my best. That and I bought new clothes before i put this weight back on and I can't really afford to go out and buy fat clothes now. Nor do I want to have fat clothes.
So -- motivation boiled down: 1. confidence 2. success at job 3. health 4. clothes
So, I need to continue working out to build the muscle, but to reveal the muscle I MUST do it in the kitchen.
Let the honesty begin.
Today is a new day, I can do this. I will do this.
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